delete delete delete

new lifeeeeeeeee perspective: if you're not hot on facebook and i dont really talk to you im deleting you. bye. so just be more good looking.

workiiinnn ittttt

hey its 9pm and my brazilian grannny is rockinnnn her red sunglasses inside the house while she watches her novelaaaaaaa. im liking the looook, 84 & STILL FIERCEEEEE.

nope im not eating that ssorry

okay bananas can be lovely and fish is good why not especially if its fried but not the two mixed together like wtf were u thinkinggggggg!!! today at home they made this casserole with fried fish and this cheesy creammy sauceeee topped with bananaas on top and i almost puked just looking at it. so i was just like can you just steam some fish for me thatd be greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeattt.

mandatory supermarket related post

okay so there is this like supermarket phenomenon that goes on here and its wild and what not so there are about like 10 different supermarket companies and what not but the cheapest one here is called Mundial and it is the worstttt experience everr in the worldddddd it is actually haunting and daunting the second u step in!! it is a madhouse in there people can barely move through the aisles and the lines are horrendously long like it takes an hour to get through to the register and people are just ratch i justtt cant believe how much people go through to save a few cents its like a nightmare in there like that creeepy alfred hitchcock music plays in the background ERRRR ERRR ERRR EEE EEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE *SCREAMSSSSSSS**** yeah just like that i used to go a bit but then i went to the other ones and told myself why the heck would i put myself through that again if i actually had an option! hoooooooo just writing about it gives me the creeeeps. Its like a Northgate type but 23948 times worse! Northgate is where all the mexicans go to buy their groceries in LA. hahaa i miss northgateeeeee and the tamale lady in the parking lotttt! ok byezz.

granny diary post 18322093829

So my lil granny she's funny sometimes she gets jealous of when me and the maid talk and talk together and she just stays in the living room watching her novelas and today she got all attitudeyyy and comes in and interrupts us and asks the maid, IS THERE ANY SOUP LEFT FROM YESTERDAY? so my maid was like no no i didnt know you wanted me to make more for tonight and she was like yeah its fine whatever kind of response and so then my maid offered to make some for her right then and there and she was like nahhh i dont want any whatever im going next door with Iza (her old lady bff) and like stormed out and shut the door. My response is like all you do is what ur novelas so we cant really talk to you because you always get mad and dont let us talk to you while you're watchin your show! okay likee so dont gimme that attitude granny uh uh!

Life's answers from a 3 yr old

So my host grandma's great-grand-daughter woah that was a mouthful came over to play for a bit and she is the cutest little baby ever with the cutest little curly hairrrrr and is in capoeira classes yeah that weird ass brasilian freak fighting dance that i still dont get but anyways she was all dressed in white with her little rope belt and she demonstrated for us and i almost died, aww baby AnaLuisaaa imma miss youuu soo muchhhhh <3 But back to the title of the post,,, she basically summed up where rain came from and why. Rain comes from the sky because God is washing his car. LIFE CHANGING.

Rio dont do that why would that be a good idea

Okay i dont know who the heck's big idea was naming this particular street after a cockroach and NOT expect for there to be so many cockroaches around this area, like they just never die, baby cockroaches here and there and then GIANT ones in the streets almost stepped on one and eeeekkk, yeahhh whoever named that street cursed Copacabana,,, Barata Ribeiro i cant avoid you even if i tried cuz thats where my busstop is at! Like who the hell likes cockroaaches to freakin name a street of all things name the street after ME cause ive been the best thing to come to RIO OBVIOOOUSLY.

not workin for yaaa

FACT: the crypt keeper goes to my gym, poor lady. but i salute you for going to the gym at your age, did they have gyms back in the day, i wanted to ask her.

hideee and seeek brasil vol. 2

ohhh hahaazz mondays are the best because my old lady leaves for the whole afternoon to go volunteer at like a food kitchen so i get to partyy ittt uppp in this lil snazzyyy apartment in copaaacabanzaaaaaaaaaazzzz and do my thing and if i ever hear her about to leavee i wait in my room till i hear that she's left the dooor and then i bust out and do a little party dance in the living room like its the bestttt. lol the things i do to avoid interaction idk no i just get shy in the morning cuz i look like the lockness monster coming out of a lake.

i dont have any winter clothes!!!

but on the real though i only brought hootchie clothing out here cuz yeah its brazil its summer all year long like la la la beaches sun bitches sunn more nooo shut up i dont have any cold clothing so like im tryin to go to argentina and its ACTUALLY COLD there right nowww likeeeee uhhh i neeeed to go buy winter clothesss so i dont fricken dieee, what is coldddd really omggg its gonna be like bay weather which i forgot what its even like anymoreee. so i went to go buy a scarf lolz at the store i need to go back for a turtle neck or sumthing. but yay for argentina!

hide and seeek brasillll old lady version

okay so i always stay up really late and my old lady always gets up several times to go peee during the night and i always try avoiding her from seeing me so sometimes i hide if i hear her coming out of bed and go into the hallway before the kitchen and just wait and then i dont like her knowing im still up hiding in the living room so i always close my room door so she thinks im sleeping cuz one time the door was open and she looked that no one was in there and she made some weird face and i tried keeping still so she wouldnt look around to find me pretending to be a statue, like omgggg granny dont see meeeee!

uh...

sometimes i get creeped out when my old lady starts speaking in her sleeep im likee AHHHHHHH stopp what are u saying i dont understand what ur tryin to say!! something about your hootchie daughter, thats all i could understand.

sorry im not sorry

yeah okay you might think you're a hot trainer and what not at the gym but i cant take you seriously if you fricken ride a mo-ped home, yeah those retarded motor bikes uhh nooo you lost all your swaggggg, even though u did have nice nikes...

hey you

yeah you, thanks for taking the time to read my blog, much love <3 you all are beautifullzzzzz

oh and can someone please

get me some cottage cheese for my bowels, or plain greek yogurt with honey. i love that stuff. i miss american yogurt and milk too, i just cant handle milk sold in a box thats never in the refrigerated section of a store. like wut no thats probably why this country is lacking everything.

JUST DID IT

AND JUST LIKE THAT I BOOKED MY FLIGHT BACK TO THE UNITED STATES OF MERICAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. i cant believe its almost over, literally a little over a month and then ill be putting an end to this crazy magical and salty journey here in Brazil. Im literally gonna play Diddy's song COMING HOME for like a whole week straighttt, im filled with mixed emotions man, oh my goshh, what the heck happpeeneedddd. 6 months out the fricken window! Rio to HOTlanta, then to LA. Wow wow wow wow. And i never got that Brazilian D! hahaha lol whatevvsssss. Argentina and Uruguay on the schedule before though!

COLD & WET

Sometimes you just need to throw on your sweater, grab your ipod and go out into the cold and rainy Rio night and walk for 2 hours to clear your mind and let the rain wash off whatever thoughts are bugging you. its amazing how therapeutic walks can be. looking out into the dark sea with the rain sprinkling on your face while you walk the empty streets along the beach. i think this was the coldest night in Rio in the 5 months, and it definitely brought back the feeling of being in the bay. funny how i had forgotten what cold even felt like. let the rain fall down, im comin clean...

BUT TODAY IS LASAGNA DAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!

haha WHERE IS MY HOST MOM SHE DITCHED ME AND I WANT MY LASAGNA SHE NEEDS TO TURN ON THE OVEN AND PUT IT IN this would be fine on any other day (CUZ I LOVE BEING ALONE IN THIS APARTMENT) EXCEPTT today is lasagna day and it hasnt been put in the oven to cook yet its just in the fridge CRISIS :( WHERE ARE U OLDD LADYYYYY?!!!!

my epiFUNNYat 1am

haha get it? like epiphany, you know like a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience. i dont know where i get this from but this is how i see myself: "i think i was God's gift to the world like God's being funny and sending his craziest and wackiest nut to the earth cuz i was driving him crazy in Heaven so he was like let the Earth handle her for 100 years."

if any of you are on tumblr.

my tumblr is sooooo HOT RIGHT NOW. themexicanbakery.tumblr.com thanks folks!

Backkk in stockkkk & back in my heart!!

Did i ever rant about the pistachio incident??? maybe, probably i dont even remember what i write on this thing, but anyways God knows and now the world does too, that i have a love affair with pistachios, and lets differentiate between the actual nut and the horrendous green vomit that is called pistachio ice cream.. ugh lets not even get started there just the thought of it makes me want to gag. But okay so apparently pistachios arent that popular here, for a fact most brasiians can attest to the fact that theyve never tried one in their life!! which equates to being one of the worst crimes that one can commit, because along with the heavenly green goodness called avocados which are also green, pistachios were meant to be God's preferred nut. Okay so theyre expensive yeah i know theyre expensive everywhere which again proves the point that they are exquisite and refined and must be given high value in this world!! So i had bought them here once or twice at the store but once upon reading an article on pistachios being good for one's health, i almost ran to the nearest Zona Sul supermarket to get me some little green crunchy jewels but as i got there i realized they had NONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. I thought this was maybe a mere coincidence so the next day i made sure to go to ANOTHERRRRRR branch and LET ME TELL YOU I ALMOST fell to my knees to weeep that they too did not have pistachios. So i gave myself up to the idea that id never see them again here in Brazil maybe they had gotten banned for being so sinfully pleasureful and that id have to wait till i got to the states... WELL TONIGHT WAS A TREASURE FILLED NIGHT because on my quest to restock on my almonds, another nut that i am very fond of, GUESS WHAT I SEEE NEXT TO THE CASHEWS FOLKS?! A SHITLOAD OF PISTACHIOS ALL STOCKED UP. I was so excited i even said THEYRE BACKKKKK! outloud haha whooops. NO I AINT SORRY, i grabbed them and almost shed tears of joy on my way to the cash register! I have been reunited with a long lost love!! Cheers my friends! keep calm and pistachio on!!! :)

turn the light on please

aight i dont know why but i hate turning on the light in the bathrooom it just bugs me but this time around the bathroom went pitch black so i couldnt see a thing so i go on and lift the seat of the toilet and i fricken failed and lifted both the lid AND THE SEAT and so i fricken fell in the toilet :( what the helllllll brazilian toilets are extra big and i fell through o.O next time i guess ill turn on the light! but this one goes for all the nature people, i was trying to save energy, save the planet, i took one for the team and fell right through!

why didnt i ever discover the glory of

this leather white couch in the back part of our living rooom?!!! its like it was hiding from me for 4 long months just waiting for it to be discovered! its so fricken comfy and amazing and the wifi reaches here oh these are the moments in which i love Rio lifeeee dont separate me from this piece of heavenly furniture!!!

most memorable mothers day post

k guys listen in this is what happened on mothers day 2013,,,, i was gonna go to the chique ass mall where all dazz ritch ass bitches go here in Rio and chill and pretend to study at the starbucks but insteadddddddddddd i said screw it im not studying im going on this crazy ass hike to the top of the 2 irmaos the mountain that looks like 2 humps because they said it would be epiccccccc, well it was it was indeeed, lemme just recant what the heck went down. ok first of all dont go on a hike at 3 in the fricken afternoon when the damn sun goes down at 5, ughhh that was suchhhh a dumb thing to do but ANYYWAYYYZZZZZZZZZZ we get to the favela and wait for the little volksvagen van to take us to the top winding up the hill up up up farther up until we get there,,, AND FIRST OF ALL IM GONNA KILL WHOEVER SAID IT WAS AN EASY ASS HIKE U STUPID IDIOTTTTTTT. okay so we get to where the hike starts which is like some ratchet jungle entrance behind this ratchet make shift house in the favela and we have to climb up the side of this wall okay then we get up to the trail and its jungle jungle jungle crazy plants everywhere getting in my face thank God for bug spray up up up up up rocks dirt trying not to slide or die the first thing i thought was like OH GODD HOW ARE WE GONNA DO THIS COMING DOWN, NO NO NO NO NO. okay well we keep going up its hard but thank God ive been keeping up with my cardio i didnt have to stop but for the sake of others we stopped but i kept telling myself you know we're racing against time here the sun goes down early we are cutting it close we need to get there ASAP so we can come down okay. Well we get to the top and the view is surreal of course i was in awe of how far up we were in reality to everything the whole beaches and coast and the lake we could see ALL of Rio. We had fun taking silly pictures of every nature yes even flashing the world, you're very welcome cariocas. K great it was like 5pm when after i had told everyone for the millionth time WE HAVE TO GET DOWNNN DAMMNITT because some parts of the jungle trail you couldnt even seee the rays of light coming in, it was that high and inpenetrable. So me and my friend decide to go first because honestly people were taking forever and my panic survival instinct kicked in and was like WE NEED TO GET DOWN AS FAST AS POSSIBLE BEFORE WE FRIECKEN ARE LEFT TO DIE HERE so we were even running down the path it was so scary not to mention the ratchet demon butterfly that popped out of nowhere that was GINORMOUS like probably as big as my hands, and i was like oh god are we even going the right way because the trail looked hella different than the other one,,,, welll IT WAS A DIFFERENT one, and then the scariest part was when we hit a fork in the road and could barely see and I was leading and i feel like God guided me to the left even though my friend said right, we kept going and thank God we started hearing the city buzz and could see some light posts in the distance through the thick brush of trees. Kept going not being able to decipher where exactly we were heading, the grace of God came through, i was so nervous i started praying outloud, "Lord deliver us like you delivered the Israelites from Egypt." A little bit further and somehow we made it out into this soccer field at the bottom of everything. I never felt more happy to be alive. The only thing was like where the heck are these girls, theyre fricken screwed because they were wayyyy behind us i literally was like theyre dead and i left them its my fault some of them even came on this hike what am i going to do. our phones didnt work of course in the middle of nowhere and so we decided to go hang out where we started the hike in case maybe they had come down that way instead, we waited, we chilled with these favela people that were having a mothers day bbq, and they even shared some of their foood with us, almost had no choice because they said please have some come on its disrespectful not to since we're offering it to you, so we did meanwhile trying to see if we could get some signal, finally after almost 40 min we got a text but it wasnt very helpful it just said did u guys already leave. so we left thanked the kind people for their food and went back to the soccer field, we didnt see them so we were like okay well probably started going down the favela, i dont know like maybe 10 minutes after going down we see all 5 of them chilling on the side of the road next to a liquor store kind of thing waiting for the bus to take them down, i was soooo RELIEVED oh lorddyyy they were all safeeee and sound!! we then continued to walk down alll the way down to the bottom and then catch the bus back to Copa, oh God i never thought id be as happy as that moment to sayy im glad to be back in Copacabana! Hope y'all had a nice Mother's day too.

I ASKED FOR A WAFFLE NOT A #)(e$#@)(@*#@($*(@

oKAYYYY SO I happened to stumble upon this place that happened to sell "waffles" and "crepes" here in the RIO grand no not the river in Texas/Mexico okay yeah anywaysss damn it stay on topic, i was like omggg they have waffles here i want one oh i wonder what itll be like, lord jesus knows how much i miss American breakfast fooood, like anything Dennys or IHOP would have but sooo i ordered the Nutella Waffle and 20 minutes later the dude brings out the flattest efff waffle i ever sawww in my life damnnit how could you even call it a waffle i shoulda sued it was more like a pancake yeah it was a freaking pancake with tiny little squares in it have these people ever seen what a real waffle looks like is my question!!! oh well i still managed to eat it,,, MAYBEEEEEEEE cuz it was COVERED in hott nutella! 8 dollars i paid for my dreams to be shattered, sighhhhh,,, Imma chocolate whore, i needz to stop oh wait nooo i am who i izzzz chocolate lover at heart, but i do like my men on the whiter side, haha aint that ironic.

i just cant seem toooo

So my host grandma loves to throw little parties at her cute little chique apartment here in da Copacabanaaaazzzzz you know the 22041-012 throwing out the West sideeee copacabana sign write as i typeee anyways representtttt! So yeah she loves throwing these get togethers and having her maid/cook make delicious little pastries and appetizers to show off probably yeah anyhowwww...tomorrow is mother's day so she got the maid to make this amazing chocolate cake oh lord its soooo hugeee i dont know how many people are coming and she's also making pizzas from scratch, oh lord have mercy! but thats not the point of this rant, all her family members come over, yeah i guess they're okay but i always seem to feeel out of place plus after a while they all get annoying, oh so i dont know if i should stay for it, if im even invited officially well its my house to but like she's not gonna tell me to leave, you know but also like am i officially meant to be part of the festivities... i kinda just wanted to slip out after lunch cuz this is supposed to happen like in the early evening time, ill slip out and come back once its kinda died down a bit to go have a study seshhhhh or would that be rudeeee??? I dont wanna hurt her feeelings but like yeah what the heck am i supposed to do for like 5 hours listening to their problems and gossip and smack talking everyone! Apparently the 2 sisters cant stand each other or something so i dont know if they'll all show up because one of them doesnt even consider the other to be her sister, i just remember the maid saying something to her like, "yeah your sister, she bla bla bla" and she responded, "sister???" that aint no sister of mine, something to that extentttt! juicy stuff right?? i wish i could get to the bottom of their dirt! ok well we'll see what ends up happening!

mommmmmmmmmmmyy!

mommmy i miss you i love you i wish i could be giving u a big squeezeee right about now i know how much you always hated me giving you hugs but muahaha i still hugged you anyways you cute little squishy grouchy momma bear!!! your little cub is sooo far awayyy once more, but alas, here i am writing to you to show you that my love knows no bounds and that you do mean the world to me even though im in another continent! ill always remember your loving words when you told me that when you first met me when i was brought to this world i wasnt cute at all and that you asked God to somehow bring you to love me with time! yayyy we all know babies arent cute like baby pandas they're all pink and weird too! so yay my mom did love me after i started growing and getting cuter day by day! :)

stop stop stop

i need to stopp having sweeet delicious caramel pipoca popcorn what the heck has gotten hold of meeeee oh dear lord in heaven it must be the drizzle of condensed milk that the dear popcorn man so gently spills over the top of the popcorn once he's filled it to the brim!! i dont think i can stay awayyy but i mustttt resist for my upcoming Argentina/Uruguay trip at the end of the month!! Oh gawd resist the sweet temptation of those baby kernels disintegrating in my mouth! Okay i needzz to stop apparently gonna try to go on without any for 3 weeks!! Help. SOMEONE STAGE AN INTERVENTION. ONLY $2.50 thouuuuuuuuuuuuuuggghhhh~!!!!

VOTE FOR ME PARATYYYYANS

I'm running for mayor of Paraty and want YOUUUU to vote for ME to bring a new change and a promise for a better Paraty and a better tomoorrow!!! The Paraty aint over!!! I will bring you what you want, like real caramel pipoca instead of this ratchet ass looking red apple flavor, i will bring you a starbucks and a walmart and bigger roads with carpool lanes and i will also bring you quality dog catchers to get rid of the random dogs strolling in the streets. I just received the official endorsement of my candidacy from Will Smith, Kanye West and Angela Merkel! So dont forget to vote me, MELISSA ZAZUETA for mayor of Paraty, and the world will remember your grandeur and your delight. Stand up and cast your ballot next tuesday, ill see you at the polls!

WE'RE GETTING A DIVORCE ITS OVER

SCREW YOU PÃO DE QUEIJOS, IM OVER YOUU I DONT WANT YOU IN MY LIFE, IT WAS NEVER REALLY GOOD TO BEGIN WITH, WHAT I ONCE THOUGHT WAS LOVE WAS JUST LUST AND MY PASSION FOR YOU HAS TURNED INTO SHEER DISAPPOINTMENT. UGH, GOOD RIDDANCE CALORIE BALLS, DONT CALL ME AND DONT LOOK AT ME EVER AGAIN. (EVEN IF YOU'RE FREE, IM TURNING YOU DOWN) I HATE U.

Grannnyyy dont look at me like dat

Ohkay so i live i with an 84 year old lady she's cute and nice and whatever, and the place is really great, food is great, my room is great, HOWEVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR, i can only get internet in the living rooom cuz i use the neighbors wifi. So at times like now when im staying up lateeeeeee onlineeee, i always make weird eye contact with granny who gets up and goes to the restroom during the weee hours of the night. She just looked at me like what the hell are u doin there in the darkkkkk!!! dammit i shouldnt have left my door open to my room cuz its right next to hers and so she automatically saw that i wasnt in it!!!! i prolly look like a crazzyyyyy creeeeper all in da cornerrrr on my computer........... ugh RATCH RIO LIFEEEE. okay well granny just lemme do what i want and go back to bed.

Random funny of the day

well it was night but you know what i mean, hahahazz so like here in Brazil the pharmacies can deliver to your house so like my granny was waiting for her drugsss and then when the guy was at the door the maid opened it and went to give him the money so i RANDOMLY YELLL, WHERE'S THE PIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZAAAA?????????????????!!!!!!!! omgggg he hella laughed, omg it was toooo goood hahaahaa i crack myself uppp!! im funny in all the languages, who woulda thought!

dont do it,,, EVERRR

okay like i thought i was the best plan ever, like so healthy im ssoo coool yaya look how creative im getting with my snackssssss,,,,,,,,,NOOOOOOOOOOOOO,,,, DONT EVERR EAT BELLPEPPERS AT NIGHT WTF WAS I THINKINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. UGHHHHHH my pooor tummmy and the damn night before i messed up the same and had fricken mangooo -___________- i cant have certain things at night, so now im wireddd with an upset stomachhh :(( pooooorr meeeee. and my fricken maid was like omggg i knew ur stomach was gonna hurt when i saw you eating that... OMG U DUMB HOEE WHY DIDNT U TELL ME WHEN I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF EATING ITTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!! ugh wateversss at least she made me some tea to kinda help it.. plop ploppp. oh i worked out 2x todayyy BAMMM 2 months left to KILL IT BEFORE GOIN BACK SEXY TO THE STATES. BOW DOWNNNNNNN

omgggg plzz platform converse

Red converse platforms iz all i have to sayyy, hopefully they have my size tomorrow!!!!

i was born to TROLLLLLL

likeeeee i think i barely got into this trend but i fricken love it and think i was meant for it like im super good at trolling peopleee muauahahaa its soo funn!!!! like this lady at the gym had written her name down on the waiting list for the next available machine and her name was Livia which happens to be the name of the evil actress in the biggest soapopera here in Brazil called Salve Jorge so i grabbed the pen and wrote down the character's last name, Marini so everyone saw the name Livia Marini on the board and then i just bounced the hell outttt omggg i almost died when the idea came into my head!!