apples to apples

OKAY WELL I HAVE ANOTHER ADDICTION. APPLES GALA, TO BE SPECIFIC. i dont know how i ended up liking that one so much, my dad always brought home red delicious to our house and it was his favorite, but i guess like in everything else, i HAVE to be different. okay well i have like 3 apples a day, well there baby apples, so its not THAT bad right? i dont know i just always resort to eating an apple, its healthy right? i mean whats that saying, a doctor a day , keeps the apples away? yeah thats it. But the point of this post was to express my frustration in how i let myself RUN OUT and not have a fresh stock of baby apples!!! ughhh i feel like im dying right now!!! i have to go tomorrow to the little hipster store that sells a bag full for 3 dollars!!! and cashews while im at it. OMG ANNE HATHAWAY WON HER FIRST OSCAR!!!!!!! YAYYY! SHE DREAMED A DREAMM!!!! <3

WHAT DO U MEAN U NEVER HEARD OF CARLS JR?!

okay so my annoying American came out yesterday at the favela, at this random burger stand thats apparently the #1 hookup burger joint in the whole favela, people come from all over to get a 2 dollar burger. Anywho well me trying to be funny in portuguese end up telling the burger guy that im gonna call him Carlinhos like the Brazilian equivalent of Carl lol because he makes burgers like Carls Junior. He looked at me so confused and like what the heck did you just say? I was like yeah you know like Mcdonalds there is another burger restaurant called Carls Junior and so ur new name is Carlinhos Junior buddy! He was like oh okay sure but my burgers are better than the burgers they have in the States. well i wasnt gonna get into a brawl with the guy so i was like yeah for sure they are. get the heck out. okay, i was tryin to give him a burger compliment and he was being weirdd ughhhh HOW DO U NOT KNOW CARLS JUNIOR!!! I SHOULDA JUST ASKED FOR A FAMOUS STAR, to see his reaction. wait like thats what they serve at carls jr right? i get confused, i cant remember the last time i went to carls junior. they have goood milk shakes right?

IM COOOCOOO FOR COCONUTSSSS

omg that just came to me, its BRILLIANT!!! yes well ive found a new addiction and its spelled like this A-G-U-A D-E C-O-C-O. Its coconut water but straight from a legit coco they sell on the beach!!! these are different cocos than the ones i always pictured, u know the brown ones with white inside. These ones are green and they arent round actually they're more like football shaped weird things i dont know but ALL I DO KNOW is that THEY ARE GOD'S gift to humanity, #3 from Justin Bieber. Okay not gettin on the bieber subject but YESSSSSSSSSS coconut water is SOOOO refreshing, omgggg, i have ONE A DAY! Yes you HEARD IT RIGHT, ONE A DAY, so there i go throwing 2 dollars for cocos. I CANT GO A DAY WITHOUT ONE, i SERIOUSLY made a pledge that im having one everyday and ive lived up to my promise, i dont remember the last time i didnt have one! BUT LEMME SAY THIS I ALMOSTTTTTTTTTTTT forgot to have one today, thank God my friend reminded me and I got one on my run on the beach :) I actually always do this i dont know why i blanked today, oh wait i know cuz it was already night time and im not used to running at night but its cool actually cuz u dont have the evil sun blazing at you and toasting you to a crisp!! but yeah coconut water is so quenching, even better nutritionally than water! yay so i had my coco and i continued on my run along all of Copacabana! My friend asked me what gets me excited and pumped to get up in the morning, and i said, working out. Yup, this is the new me. My new life, my REAL life. #justdoit #kendrick

my first FAVVVYYY

hey all dear readers of this cyber underworld. I WENT TO MY FIRST FAVELA, it was monumental! There are so many stigmas and other negative ideas surrounding these housing communities, but now i see that its all just a hype, just like when they talk bad about Mexico, dont get me started, how they twist reality. anywho, many of these favelas have been pacified and so they are pretty safe and just like any other place, just filled with poor people trying to survive a day at a time. the only thing that really kinda psyched me out was all the cops at the bottom with machine guns but the residents say that that is the norm and its a way to regulate it and keep it pacified as it has been for more than a year now. The name of the favela is Vidigal and it honestly has the best view of Rio de Janeiro because it stretches up up up almost as if it reaches up to the sky! i went up on a motorcycle taxi which was also an adventure in itself!!! it was soooooo steeeep and it took forever to get to the top like ten to fifteen minutes on the back of this crazy motorcycle, holding on to dear life! i was literally praying the whole time!! we finally reached the top and seeing my friend standing there was such a sigh of relief that I had made it after all!!! we went to the same spot that Kim, Kanye and Will Smith toured and OF COURSE i pulled a Kim and was like "OMG GUYS I JUST FEEL SO BLESSED TO BE HERE" shut up kim omg. But yeah we decided we were gonna make a spoof of that another time and im gonna dress like kim and do it. lolz it was like 2 in the morning and we decided to walk all the way down and omg i was like THIS IS THE WORST CHOICE TO MAKE because we had to go down like a million stairs and my knees dont do well with going DOWN the stairs...ayyyy well NOW I KNOW. my friend is gonna move into Vidigal soon and im so excited to go back actually!!! yayyyy :)

OMG HE LEFT

ITS LIKE HE HEARD MY THOUGHTS, HE LEFT!! this might be the shortest visit yet! BUT he did say he was gonna come back later with his wife omg i have to escape from here!!!! anywhere but here, beach beach im comingg sooooooon!

its that time of the month agaiinnn -_____-

no no its not when mother nature strikes, im referring to when my host mom's son in law comes over to visit -_____- i never thought anyone could be so obnoxious, ten times more loud and obnoxious than my dad is! i really think that its unnecessary for your voice has to reach certain decibel levels!!! not to mention how loud he gets, its like he's yelling, his voice makes the craziest inflections that ive ever heard. Also he uses his hands for everything, and uses other similar theatrics. its surprising that he is a biologist, i never thought they could be this lively. i want to go get my headphones but i feel like it wouldnt matter and that he would INTERFERE with me trying to watch my missed episodes of Girls so now i have to fricken waiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. STOP REPEATING URSELF, WE HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME!!! JUST GET OUT OF MY HOUSEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

LOOK AT ME IM...SANDY D.

okay that title was trying to go for a GREASE kinda thing, well it didnt come out so well, but damn it im sandy! NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY, i ALWAYSS end up with sand all over myself at the end of the day!! I dont know how the heck it happens but its everywhere, my chest, my neck, my face, my legs, my feeet!!!! And its soo annoying to take off cuz i always miss a spot!!! UGHHH, well i guess this is what it means to fricken live in a beach city!!! my TOMS are so sandy, i dont know what to do, but at least they still sparkle like the first moment i caught a glimpse of them in the store window!!! oh and i had the best acai today in Ipanema with granola!! it was a party in my mouth, brazil you're okay in my book. till next time, you good looking internet users!

daaaaaammmn gurrrllll

just in case you were wondering who that hot bitch running in that black one piece along Avenida Atlantica was, it was me, twerking it in my highlighter yellow nikes and my bathing suit. you're welcome copacabana, you're welcome Rio. DAMN IT FEELS GOOD TO BE A GANGSTER.

might be my proudest moment so far

okay so i finally went to get some monayyyy from the bankkk wooo i lasted 2 weeks without having to withdraw cash!!! anyways this super market was on the way back so i decided to look if they had almonds because i think its been like 4 days that i havent had any and i couldnt go much longer, seriously im nuts for almonds ahahaa gosh i need to stop making that damn nut joke. anywhooooo, so wooohoo i go over to the nut section and i noticed they had pistachios, another of my favorite nuts, and my maid, Isabel said to me that she had never seen that kind of nut in her life and i almost had a heart attack, i said SAYYYY WHUTTTTT. you havent ever had pistachios ladyy?!!! How da heckk can you live your lifeeeeeeeeeeee?!!!! anyways so i told her okayy isabel this is gonna be the best day everrr, imma buy dem for you and ur gonna see what u been missing ur whoooleee lifeeee!!!! so when we got home just now she really wasnt kidding, she had no idea how to eat them, she was like, do u eat the whole thing or what?? I was like no gurl no just watch, so i demonstrated how to crack the pistachio and dispose of the 2 shells and just go right ahead and eat the green piece of heaven in betweennn! it was a beautiful moment watching her do it all by herself! listen folks i dont know how she went 55 years without eating pistachios but boy was she hoooked or what!! i almost had to take the container away from her and been like BITCH it was only a taste, now gimmie right here. She proceeded in admitting that they were addicting and that it be better if i put them away in my room. yup lady they hidden now, you best be on ur best behavior if you be expectin some more! :)

apparently im dyslexic

okay what the heck who decides to name two streets in the same area Sa Ferreira and Francisco Sa????? So im walking along the beach and these guys on their bikes stop next to me and ask me where Francisco Sa is. Of course i confused it for Sa Ferreira and so i told them 'yeah its more that way, keep going' no it was in the opposite direction. what was more embarrassing is that he knew i was wrong and continued on to ask the people working at the kiosk where it was at so i panicked and didnt want them to pass by me again and look at me like i was an idiot so i ran towards the beach to not have to pass by them again and yeah i just continued walking home this time along the water instead, so idiots on bikes dont stop by and ask me for directions!!!!

this city twerks it

so i never ever seeen a city so concerned and obsessed with their personal fitness as Rio is. it is unbelievable how the ENTIRE city comes out at night to work out along the beach, running, walking, biking, skateboarding, rollerblading, everything you can imagine. People of all ages, races, shapes and sizes. It is so empowering and inspiring! im so happy that im part of this and that this is part of my journey to fitness. there is no better city to get in shape in! remember, every new day is a chance to change your life.

you dropped your cashew

so here i go on my adventure of looking for almonds and of course the damn supermarket has run out of almonds AGAINNNNNNNNNNN. but ive channeled my frustrations and found another seemingly delicious nut, which is the cashew. And since im trying to be a health nut, wait is that even an expression? okay i dont know but since im trying to be super natural now, ive discovered raw cashews, which means they arent toasted or salted or sweet, and they are surprisingly even better that way!!! but okay i buy my small bag of natural cashews and since i cant get enough of them, i open the bag right after i pay for them and as im pouring the cashews into my mouth straight from the bag, i unfortunately lost one cashew as i rode up the escalator and this lady, yells at me, informing me, well i already knew lady, the loss of a cashew had occurred. okay thanks for letting me know, so i had to pick up the cashew from the floor, and now everyone knew i dropped my cashew. what the heck do i do with a dirty cashew lady? why did you have to make a scene and make me pick up the cashew! i just wanted to awkwardly keep walking but noooooooooo i had to wait for it to get to the top of the escalator and kick it onto the floor and pick it up. of course i told the lady, thanks for letting me know, but i didnt really MEAN it. i shoulda just chucked it at her face. dont mess with me, and what if i wanted the cashew on the floor, HUH LADY ever think about that???? ugh whatever, i just put it in the grocery bag and walked back home. another incident of cashew dropping occurred in the elevator, but thank goodness nobody was inside with me to harass me to pick it up, so i just left it there to hopefully entertain the next elevator rider. sounds like a good way to start this day.

ill show you granny

how have i not written about how many times granny has one way or another, called me fat, aka gordinha to my face or to her friends well, i guess ive lost track, but everyday i show her how much exercise i do and how healthy i eat and in her face i do not give her the satisfaction of eating the chocolate she gave me two days ago. its just sitting on the coffee table when she first gave it to me and i will never, never, never EAT IT. hmmm, calling me fat and then giving me chocolate??! i know what ur trying to do here and im not gonna have it grannyy UH UH! i know who put you up to this, and IM better than THEM. im tired of errrrrrrr EEE 1 telling me shittttt about my weight. oh yeah i forgot the doctor, when examining my stomach, looked at my stretch marks and was like OH SO YOUVE HAD KIDS? and i said no. and he went on to saying, SO YOU USED TO BE MUCH FATTER?? obviously dickhead. but damn it im making a change! i may not be there yet, but im closer than i was yesterday. just watchhhh granny especially when i leave in 5 months, ill be unrecognizable!

novela help

okay what the hell is going on in this stupid soap opera called salve jorge, okay there are a million stories intertwined in this novela, and the whole country is obsessed with it. all i know is some ratchet evil lady wants to kill the world and somehow was responsible for kidnapping this other hoe and sending her to turkey. i just dont know how these random other periguetes have to relate to that plot. ughh, problems.

harlem seizure

okay well like everyone else im like what da fuqq is dat harlem shake shizz but i really think its funny and i want it to come to brazil i think id be the happiest american in rio if id see it happen, wait i have to MAKE it happen somehow, if i could get everyone up to arpoador and losing their shit to da beat, would be the best best best thing ever. im gonna recruit all the little favela kids to be in the video and itll be awesomeee.

oh its onnnnnn granny

soo i have this unofficial competition half the time with granny to see who goes to bed earlier, but most of the times i lose, how the heck does granny manage to stay up so late at 84 years old, wait maybe cuz she's obsessed with coffeee and she sleeps in more and she just stays sitting down all day while i walk like 10,000 miles a day around ipa,copa and leme and back and forth. thats why she can stay up, gosh granny, okay you win tonight, again. im beat, i have to take a shower. oh did i mention its really hot, ugh but at least we have watermelon in the fridge, im gonna stealth mode it later to steal some and hopefully not go into diabetes shock because of its sugar level. oh yeah i ran out of almonds. hopefully pao de acucar has some tomorrow. and i havent taken out money in 2 weeks i think thats pretty good! ill have to go soon, im runnin out of reais but whatever im not kickin this coconut habit, till i leave, 2.50 aint nothing to this monayy makaahhh.

making progress with granny

so like i was trying to tell my king of scotland friend that its so hard to conversate with my old lady, granny, host mom because she's 84 and really i dont know how to relate to her and what to say, sometimes im lucky if i get her to tell me something besides, "vai almocar?" are you going to have lunch? Yes, of course im gonna eat, hello thats what i pay you an extra 150 dollars for. Anywho, i have an easier time talking to the help, Isabel, she's like my mom figure and she's chiller to talk to hellooo. But anyways, granny dearest gets jealous and i heard her say to Isabel, "she only talks to you, and never tells me anything." okay so i dont want there to be drama so im trying to talk to granny a bit more and so today i noticed she bought new house slippers which are pretty divalicious i must say they're silver and gold slip on things i really liked them. so i continue on telling her that she is really chique. Then only ten minutes later, i realized she switched her shoes, and so i asked her what happened and she said that during summer her feet swell up and that she's gonna get the bigger size tomorrow. okay yay. oh wait i also told her bless you twice when she sneezed. progressssss, yes.

neymars horse girlfriend

likeeee for the longest time this actress in the number one brazilian soap opera really looks like the tanner and whorisher version of kendall jenner. and apparently she's neymar's girlfriend and her name is bruna. well i dont care. she does look like a horseier version. im sure she's nice, not, id rather meet kendall, and i never thought i would say that.

did you just do that?

okay so i go to my favorite prostitute bar in copa because honestly its fun i guess and they actually have real tvs to watch sports. yeah so arsenal lost to bayern munich but what else is new fucking arsenal always loses. i was the only girl really at the bar and i kept overhearing these old fart brits talking about random prostitutes and cardiologists not exactly in that order. i was hoping to evade having to pay for something there but right towards the end someone went up to me and asked me if i wanted to buy something, ughhhh whatever so i just got a coconut water since im obsessed and i obviously dont drink alcohol anymore. it makes you fat. okay yeah so then im pissed that my team has officially become the lamest in the world and i march out half pissed and sleepy and im pretty sure the guy at the front pouted and blew me a kiss, i was like ewwww. bye. see you tomorrow, great. but i have to watch the barcelona vs milan game.

i hate ur tattoo but ur hot

there was a really hot brasilian lifeguard off of post 7 and i looked at him as i walked by and i knew he knew i had fallen in love and then he randomly reappears at the arpoador in front of me in his fricken speedo and he has the most random and explicit tattoo of some whore with a thong riding a horse and I was like what the hell is that but i kept walking and pretending he didnt have the tattoo and i continued to walking up the 32 steps to the top of the rock and he disappeared and then i was bored so i went to go see where he went and he was on the other side jumping off the rocks into the water. i miss him already.

flashback to marine bio

omg i went to the tide pools at the Arpoador and watched baby crabs in the wild i missed them and this brazilian little kid was talking to me and i dont know what he said so i awkwardly walked away and he kept talkin and so i walked faster and up to the top of the rock and contemplated plankin but there was no one to take a pic of me so i just had my coco.